deviant ART

[x]
Subscribe Now | Buy deviantWEAR | Advertise Here

Entwined by ~unorthodoxfaith:iconunorthodoxfaith:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Other Romance > Open


Let my body conform to yours,
I want to become only one.

Let our souls entwine,
Words cannot express the passion I feel for you.

You've bound me to you;
I'm suspended in a moment,
where our worlds collide,
and implode with Lust...

I'm flying without wings.
©2004-2008 ~unorthodoxfaith
Details
Submitted: February 9, 2004
File Size: 418 bytes
Image Size: 0 bytes
Resolution: 0×0
Comments: 28
Favourites & Collections: 0

Views
Total: 64
Today: 0

Downloads
Total: 6
Today: 0

Thumb

Author's Comments

Hey hey!!!

I know this is like...an utter peice of CRAP but thats why I submitted it. I lkind of liked where I was going with this, and I'd really like some help fixing it up...So PLEASE feel free to help with this...Just as long as you offer FRIENDLY advice. None of that
"It sucks go commit suicide" crap. And please, don't just kill it, tell me how I can fix it.

Thank you!!
~~Fatih

Devious Comments

love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0

~alypj:iconalypj: Feb 9, 2004, 10:03:31 PM
i absolutly love this poem. it is really great, i really like the third stanza where you say "where our worlds collide and implode with lust"
~unorthodoxfaith:iconunorthodoxfaith: Feb 9, 2004, 10:27:56 PM
^__^ Thanks!!!

I just don't think my school will let me submitt it into a magazine lol. Oh well It's worth a shot right?

--
Comment, to get comments.
Share your kindness, not your hate.
Love the art, before yourself.
-------------------------
I lick Kittens and they are yummy
~ravengurl:iconravengurl: Feb 9, 2004, 11:43:34 PM
opps...I like it just as it is!
~unorthodoxfaith:iconunorthodoxfaith: Feb 10, 2004, 11:34:18 AM
Aw thanks ^__^

--
Comment, to get comments.
Share your kindness, not your hate.
Love the art, before yourself.
-------------------------
I lick Kittens and they are yummy
~unorthodoxfaith:iconunorthodoxfaith: Feb 10, 2004, 11:34:47 AM
I" "you too lol.

--
Comment, to get comments.
Share your kindness, not your hate.
Love the art, before yourself.
-------------------------
I lick Kittens and they are yummy
~firemage:iconfiremage: Feb 10, 2004, 4:45:30 PM
I like it, Faith, it is done well. LUST!!!!!!!!!!!! That seems to stand out more with the capital, lolZ. One's that bash other peoples work should rot in hell. To love is not to hate, APPRECIATE!!!!!---if spelled correctly, I don't care. You got the point you people who have to put others down to make your bloody self-esteem rate become higher.

--
Love heals when you feel so small
Like a grain of sand
Like nothing at all
------------------
I love ye ~johnnydepp


~FireMage :jester:
~deadwite:icondeadwite: Feb 10, 2004, 10:25:31 PM
conform to yours... yes yes oh yes

--
Comment, to get comments.
Share your kindness, not your hate.
Love the art, before yourself.
~Take time to smell your flower, it will die one day~
~canisdirus:iconcanisdirus: Feb 10, 2004, 11:33:12 PM
Before I say anything critical, you must keep in mind that I really do like it the way it is, and that I think if you want to keep it like this with a very stark, minimal feel, then by all means do so and it'll be perfect.

However, if you do want to work on this some more, I'd suggest making it perhaps twice as long and just fill out the bones a bit more, as it were. Make the entwining and the passion and whatnot a little bit warmer, a bit cozier, a bit more lush. I think you could do it without the poem getting out of hand, and still keep its simple, honest feel.

So, whatever you think is best. I love it now though, so if you don't want to touch it anymore it's still something to be proud of. :)
~unorthodoxfaith:iconunorthodoxfaith: Feb 11, 2004, 9:13:48 PM
^_^ I'll keep your advice in mind!

--
Comment, to get comments.
Share your kindness, not your hate.
Love the art, before yourself.
-------------------------
I lick Kittens and they are yummy
Previous Page    123    Next Page
Sign up to leave feedback! <3